Jan
Ban The Sofa!
THE LATEST ‘Dangerous Dogs’ furore set me thinking about how it is that stupid laws like the Dangerous Dogs Act get passed in the first place. It’s because politicians generally act in haste, basing their ‘public support’ theory on what the tabloid media are saying.
One news story that caught my eye from nearly two years ago set me thinking on all sorts of different levels, and it even got me thinking to just how truly stupid Breed Specific Legislation is.
Confused? Indulge me a moment…
You probably saw the story yourself. The Swedish furniture manufacturer IKEA opened a new superstore in Edmonton, North London. There was a grand opening at midnight on Wednesday, February 9th 2005 – but the store closed just 40 minutes later as 6,000 frenzied shoppers stampeded for bargains, leaving 20 in need of hospital treatment!
One woman was said to have been threatened by a man with a mallet, and another waiting in the checkout queue was ‘mugged’ for her cut-price sofa. Security guards were reported to have fled the scene, leaving the manager and his staff to try to control the unruly crowds until they called the police to restore order and no less than nine ambulances ferried people to hospital with heat exhaustion and crush injuries.
The problem began when thousands of bargain-hunters raced for the soft furnishing department, determined to get their hands on one of 350 sofas, usually on sale for £325, for just £49 each. A 50-year-old woman, who did not want to be named, said she had managed to get a sofa into a trolley and was waiting in the checkout line when three younger women wrestled her for it.
“I couldn’t believe it,” she said. “They manhandled it off me and then took it through the check-out and paid for it.”
(God alone knows what the Scandinavian sensibilities made of this Saxon savagery – and we used to think the Vikings were bad!)
Initially, the whole incident simply summed up pretty much what’s wrong with British society nowadays – or any society in the Western world, come to that – namely that it’s all ‘Me, me, me’, particularly amongst the younger generation, and that good manners and patience has gone out of the window. Then I thought a bit further about whether this might set a precedent for similar incidents in the future.
We’ve all seen the TV news on Christmas Day – the stoic, slightly deranged shoppers camping outside this or that huge department store to nab this or that bargain in the Boxing Day sales. There’s usually a scrum when the sale opens come Boxing Day, but it’s a good-natured British scrum and people generally tend to end up with the bargain they’re after.
But does the IKEA experience mean that every sale is going to end up in a pitched battle? The tabloid media will no doubt ponder this question at length and devote hundreds of column inches to it. This will worry the Government because, as we all know, people cannot take responsibility for their actions nowadays, so it falls to the State to do something about it. So, in turn, Government Ministers will ponder the question and will seek the advice of ‘experts’ in the matter…
You can almost see their thought processes (such as they are) taking shape: Could it be that furniture sales are attracting a pretty nasty sort of customer? The typical sort would be young, shaven headed, covered with tattoos and probably wearing lots of bling, a baseball cap or a hoodie (and that’s just the women). Why are they turning up at furniture sales for sofas? Maybe it’s a particular type of sofa… Well, the fighting started at IKEA, so they were after IKEA sofas. So yes, yes, those Swedish sofas must be dangerous! Something must be done to stop these anti-social yobs getting their hands on these dangerous sofas!!!
Before you know it, they’ve drafted the Dangerous Sofas Act and it’s being steamrollered through Parliament to show that the Government are sensitive to the worries of the people in these days of increased lawlessness, and the media must be shown that the Government will act, and aren’t as bad as they make out, they do care. (Hey, you never know, there may even be votes in it). Forget Weapons of Mass Destruction (oh, how we wish you would!), we can tackle these dangerous sofas and the evil people that fight for them… or even use them for fighting. Illegal sofa fights – we know they take place, we will stamp them out!
And then, yes, we have to determine which sofas are dangerous. Well, it was those Swedish ones, wasn’t it? Ah, but how can you really tell? A sofa is a sofa isn’t it? – same basic design. Ah, but these are fabric covered. Right, so it’s the fabric covered sofas that are of the dangerous type. Type? ‘Type’! That’s a good word. The Act can say that “sofas of the Swedish ‘type’ will be banned“. You can’t buy them, you can’t exchange them as gifts, you can’t breed with them (or on them). Existing Swedish sofas must be destroyed. No, no, on second thoughts, we can’t do that – the people won’t like us to burn their sofas.
Okay then, all existing sofas of the Swedish ‘type’ must be registered by a particular date. If they’re not registered by that date, then a police officer can kick your door down on suspicion of you having a sofa of the dangerous type, they can trash your living room and seize the sofa and remove it to a secret location (maybe down the local cop shop where the overworked constables can put their feet up after a strenuous shuffling of paperwork). We’ll reverse the burden of proof so then it’s down to YOU, the owner, the prove that the sofa is NOT of the Swedish ‘type’.
In fact, this sort of legislation will become known as BSL – Ban Sofa Legislation.
Then it’ll have to go to court. We’ll need expert witnesses, people from the soft furnishings industry maybe. Expensive? Yes, most likely, but it’s a justifiable expense to protect people from those DANGEROUS SOFAS!!!! Then you’ll get regular experts appearing for the prosecution – and they’re worth paying for. The exchanges might sound like this:
Prosecuting Counsel: “Now Miss Couchcrusher, you are a practicing soft furnishings upholsterer, a sort of ‘Sofa Vet’ if you will?”
Expert: “I am.”
Prosecuting Counsel: “And how many sofa of the Swedish type have you examined in your many year’s experience?”
Expert: “Oooh, about 10,000.”
Counsel: “And is that in the past year? The past month?”
Expert: “No, the past week.”
Counsel: “You are clearly an expert in this field. Miss Couchcrusher. Now, turning to the fabric-covered sofa in question, owned by Mr and Mrs Smith of Acacia Avenue, Sunbury, Middlesex. You have examined this item of furniture at your workshop-cum-surgery, have you not?”
Expert: “I have.”
Counsel: “And what is your conclusion?”
Expert: “The general shape of the sofa shows that it can seat up to three people, or one person lying full length. It has a backrest, four sturdy legs, two arms and is covered in durable, soft fabric. I have no hesitation in concluding that it is substantially of the Swedish type, the sort one would buy at a store such as IKEA.”
Mr Smith (from the dock): “That’s a lie! I bought it at DFS!”
Judge: “Silence in court or I’ll hold you in contempt.”
Counsel: “Thank you, your honour. As the Act clearly states, it does not matter from where a sofa is purchased, or indeed what ‘brand’ in may be, if it is substantially of the Swedish ‘type’, then it is, in law, a dangerous sofa.”
Judge: “Quite so. And can the defence prove that this sofa is not of the Swedish type?”
And so on and so on…
Meanwhile, overseas – say, in Ontario, the Attorney General decides that there have been too many punch-ups caused by hooligans that are known to have sofas in their houses. Well, that Dangerous Swedish Sofas Act worked a treat in the UK and in Germany. Who can forget the Great Sofa Bonfire at Nuremberg in 2006? Let’s enact BSL in Ontario!
I can’t take any more. Pass me the Valium… I’m pulling the duvet over my head and I’m staying in bed away from this mad world.
But I can’t lie down on the sofa… the police seized that last week… and they said my armchairs looked pretty menacing too…
© Nick Mays 2007
Right on the money, Nick!
I guess when they did up the standards they had to include futons, loveseats and full-sized sectionals just to cover the field.
Kind of like in Ontario, where a Staffordshire Bull, an American Staffordshire and an American Pit Bull terrier or any dog that resembles it is a sofa – er, I mean ‘pit bull’.
Got any Valium to spare?
Brilliant piece of writing Nick, spot on! We are glad you are in our corner
)
SNAP! Got it in one…mind you, I only have antique sofa’s but they too may be in peril if IKEA chooses to bring out an antique type range!
Well written and shows the general idiocy of all forms of BSL.
Superb! Luckily for me I don’t own a sofa, unluckily I do own a dog classed as “type”.
Well done Nick, let’s hope people take the time to find out more about BSL and the ridiculousness of it.
I have a leather sofa…as it is not a “fabric” as such would it be exempt from such a law or should I give myself up now??!!
If it wasnt so serious it would be laughable.
This article reminds me of an old spoof I read (and stowed away a copy). As the author is unknown, I can’t credit him or her. But someone, somewhere, who’s obviously much more humourous than I will probably ever be, put together a satire hinting at the absurdity of breed-specific legislation, along with the common misspelling of the word “breed”. He or she came up with the very funny article:
“FORGET ABOUT BREED BANS! WE MUST BAN BREAD!!”
• More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
• Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
• In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases, such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza, ravaged whole nations.
• More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
• Bread is made from a substance called “dough.” It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
• Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s disease, and osteoporosis.
• Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water begged for bread after as little as two days.
• Bread is often a “gateway” food item, leading the user to “harder” items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
• Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it is worried that eating bread could lead to dehydration of vital tissues.
• Newborn babies can choke on bread.
• Bread can withstand temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
• Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling. In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:
- No sale of bread to minors.
- A nationwide “Just Say No To Toast” campaign, complete with celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
- A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills associated with bread.
- No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
- The establishment of “bread-free” zones around schools.
Author Unknown
Tail wags all around! If it wasn’t so true it would be even funnier!
Well done Nick……well done!