Dogosaurus: The Treat Loop, The Magician, The Lead Wheezle & More
Dogs. They’re a unique bunch of individual performers but some of the things they do are universally recognisable. This is why K9 Magazine published ‘The Dogosaurus’, a guide that enables dog owners to put a name to some of the unmistakable canine traits, tricks and habits that you may very well know and recognise. Today’s entry: “The Treat Loop, The Magician, The Lead Wheezle & more…
The Treat Loop
A treat loop comes in to force, usually, when there is more than one dog present. It most often manifests itself when one dog arrives a little late on the scene when treats are being handed out.
It goes like this:
Dog 1 is given a treat.
Dog 2 hears treats being dispensed and runs in to join the action.
Dog 2 is given a treat.
Due to the time delay, Dog 1 has forgotten they have already been treated and acts incredulously at the sight of Dog 2 being treated.
As Dog 1 is given an appeasement treat (a Peace Treaty), Dog 2 has finished their first treat and has noticed Dog 1 being treated.
As Dog 2 is now fidgeting and looking forlornly for his or her own Peace Treaty, the owner finds themselves in the middle of a Treat Loop, unable to treat each dog at exactly the same time and being subjected to one dog’s begging in response to what that dog believes to be unfair distribution of treats.
The Treat Loop can only be exited by waiting a sufficient length of time for both dogs to be given a treat at exactly the same time. Failure to do this will see each dog constantly believing their counterpart has been given an additional treat and they will protest strongly to their trade union representative (i.e. you!) as to what they perceive to be treat-based disparity within the household.
Treat Loops can be avoided all together by one of two ways:
1) Never treat one dog if the other is not there at the time
2) Deploy a method of silent treat giving (Please note: Dogs seem to be able to recognise the sound of another dog enjoying a solo treat and they are able to magically appear on the scene within milliseconds of a treat being offered)
Storm Warning (n.)
You know it’s coming. You can spot it a mile off, smell it even. You’ve instigated a bit of play with Max or Maxine and they’ve made their mind up, ‘ok, it’s on’, they think.
The ears slick back, the face tightens and the head sits deadly still for a moment. Their whole body contorts into a coiled spring-like pose and you know that even the slightest movement from you will trigger the storm about to be unleashed in your living room. Eye contact will result in an instant explosion.
Too late, their off. Hurtling round and round at a speed transforming your pet in to a furry blur, hind legs tucked up as far as they’ll go in an effort to develop yet more speed and then, finally a brief moment of calm. You look into their face and realise one wrong move from you and they’ll be off again, this time even faster – if you’re truly brave, you may look at them and twitch, as if you are going to chase them – they will react with yet more speed to such a challenge.
Worth noting is the fact that certain acts can trigger a storm. Holding your breath before blowing on their nose for example, playing a vigorous game of chase or hiding a favourite toy for too long are all likely to stir up a canine force of nature. One thing you can be sure of, your dog is incapable of hiding the tell-tale signs of a storm brewing. Beware the Storm Warning, know it, recognise it.
The Opening Gambit (v.)
Occurs when food is left in attainable reach of the dog. An opening gambit is made when the dog makes an initial, very subtle motion or movement toward reachable food within your eyeline. The opening gambit is designed to gauge your reaction to the dog’s very plain intentions toward the food (or desirable object). If their opening gambit evokes a ‘nervous twitch’ response from you (see Dogosaurus K9 Magazine issue 14), they’ll step back and plan again. If the opening gambit results in you continuing to watch Eastenders, seemingly unperturbed about the food coup about to unfold before your very eyes, the dog’s opening gambit would be deemed a success by its perpetrator and they’d escalate their strategy to level two.
A Lead Wheezle (descriptive).
Everyone’s met a Lead Wheezle whilst out walking their dog. Many of us even own one. A Lead Wheezle is a dog happy to walk perfectly at heel in normal circumstances until such a time as they see another dog (or other furred adversary) up ahead. The Lead Wheezle will then speed up their gait delivering an almighty pull on their lead at such a force as to impact their own vocal chords, in turn letting out a very unpleasant wheezing sound as they propel themselves toward their target. Note: A dog who pulls on their lead at most times when out walking is NOT a Lead Wheezle. They don’t know any better whereas a Lead Wheezle knows exactly how they should be walking but chooses to go into Wheezle mode at the sight of another animal.
A Magician (descriptive.)
Can make ordinary household objects and food items disappear without their audience seeing how or when they did it. A Magician also possesses extraordinary escapology talents.
The Court of Canine Justice (descriptive.)
All dog-owning households automatically hold a Court of Canine Justice from time to time. When a crime has been committed such as: destruction of property, theft, indoor soiling, mud-rolling or even a planned military overthrow of the house leader, The Court of Canine Justice is quickly convened. Charges are levelled at the defendant in an asccusational tone, often with the prosecutor standing slightly bowed, hands on hips or finger wagging, looking directly at the accused asking “Who did this?” “Did YOU do this?” “Arrggghh, what have you done?” “Oh no, look what you’ve done you naughty (expletive)”. Some prosecution guidelines to follow in The Court of Canine Justice: (1) Never try and prosecute A Magician (see above). Their crimes are never witnessed and a custodial sentence would be pointless because they’d escape anyway. (2) Never be too quick to level charges against a Basset Hound, they ALWAYS look guilty, act guilty and very often ARE guilty but their look prejudices all cases against them. They’d be well within their rights to appeal any false accusations on the grounds of Basset Hound discrimination whereby a compensation order of extra biscuits would be awarded. (3) Certain dogs will plead guilty well before the court is convened. You won’t even discover the crime before certain dogs will completely hold their paws up in a “it’s a fair cop Guvnor” style admission. You’ll spot the guilty plea easily, as you return to find your usually rambunctious pet greets you with coyness, trepidation, nervous licking of lips and a general sense of unease. Leniency should be offered when a guilty plea is entered before the court – some dogs plead guilty to things they haven’t done, they are rampant attention seekers. Finally, tough sentencing won’t have any effect on the career criminal. A general, all round ‘bad-boy (or girl)’ of the canine world, he/she will commit serial offences and will simply laugh in the face of any justice meted out to them. Learn to control such a crook with rehabilitation orders or consider calling in the heavies (private dog trainers) who will advise on how to get this villain on the straight and narrow and away from a life of crime.
The Hollywood Tough Guy (descriptive.)
We’ve all seen them. The big screen hard men who, in reality couldn’t and wouldn’t fight their way out of a wet paper bag. Say hello to my little friend… The Canine Hollywood tough guy. Meet the dog who makes all the right noises when danger approaches. The dog that really looks the part when springing to the defence of their pack mates, growling, snarling, posturing. The dog who rattles off threats as if reciting dialogue from a Tarantino movie. Yet this is the dog who turns and runs a mile when they realise their target is actually happy to engage. The Hollywood tough guy; learn to love them for all their bravado and entertainment factor but don’t ever expect them to pull you from a burning building or defend your honour when faced with your arch nemesis for real. They tend to use stunt doubles for that.
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